pissed

I have unbounded anger.  Not towards anyone.  Not about anything that makes sense.  But at myself because I let myself get this way.
.
.
.
I had control over my weight after many years' battle by last summer.  Then med-changes came up, and I was put on Risperdal.  I went from 113 to 128 in 2 weeks, and even after going off, haven't lost the weight.  Damn fucking Risperdal.  Fucking fuck.
.
.
.
So yeah.  I'm pissed.

this week

PEG

My best friend and "adopted" big sister, Courtney, has had an NG tube for the past week or so.  Now she's getting a PEG placed today.  I wish so hard I had a PEG; I always have.  Honestly, I'm a little jealous, though I'm SOOOOO glad she's going to be fed now.  But man, I've been wishing for a PEG for... maybe 5 years?  Since my baby sister had one (for cleft palate reasons).  It just would be so easy to be fed without having to fucking eat.

no hands, ma!

It's like learning to ride a bike with no hands!  Learning again to eat-enough-not-too-much-not-too-little.  I had a GREAT day today doing just that.
.
.
.
Breakfast: curried lentils (this is a big deal because I have weird issues with confusing eating breakfast with ruining my day)
Lunch: almonds
Supper: almonds
Before Bed: (I plan to have, as it is not yet late enough and I'm not hungry yet) 1/4 freebirds burrito.  I fell in love with these when my sister treated me on my birthday.
.
.
.
I went to a candlelight service last night for the women's ACTS retreat of our diocese.  It was wonderful.  A much-needed breath of fresh air.  So much unbelievable love.  The place was filled with the Holy Spirit.  It was overwhelming in the best way.  Afterward I resolved to start going to mass again with more regularity.  I've been feeling so guilty over my binges/purges and confused about the legitimacy of my fasting and also afraid of accidentally purging the Eucharist, that I just avoided church altogether.  But now that I'm eating well (although I should not be waiting for that as a condition), I realize my need for more of Him.  And I found out (or re-remembered, rather) that there's a daily mass at 5PM at my parish (so no need to wake up ridiculously early), AND it's said, if I remember correctly, by my favorite priest.  He's so wise and his sermons always wake me up and get me thinking and out of my comfort zone.  Oh, I hope I'm right that it's him saying the mass.  I mean, mass is mass, but a good homily can sometimes help a stuck person!
.
.
.
Lastly, I heard a song today with lyrics that really stuck with me; it's from an old hymn:

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Man, I don't know about you, but that sure rings true to me.  Forfeited peace?  Needless pain? Ouch.

[www.photographytips.com.au]

Testing

Trying out my (secondhand) iPod touch my brother gave me for my bday. I don't care if it's not new, its awesome!
.
.
.
The pic (if it shows up) is of my dog who's currently in labor!

I've got it!

I believe I've come upon what I should do.  Sort of like the coffee-plan (from my older post), I guess it's closest.  But it's this: eat-as-little-as-possible-while-still-consuming-something.
.
.
.
I am not a good fast-er.  What happens is if I get past the first day, then I'm on a roll.  That is, until day 6 or 7 rolls around.  By then I've been dreaming vividly of food for the past few nights, and daydreaming during the days.  So I'll break down and eat a tiny bit.  Truly, not a bad amount.  But then, the day after I ate, all hell breaks loose, and I eat, freak, binge, purge, eat.... the infamous Cycle.
.
.
.
Basically, I'll be eating only when I'm hungry, but that's hard to do in reality since I'm always hungry AND never hungry.  So I'll try my best to judge when to eat.  Maybe 3-4 times a day, 50 calories each?  We'll see. 
.
.
.
Update: I'm 131.4.  FML.

day 1

I'm quite ashamed to list these things, but I have to for my own records.  This is where I'm at right now:

• 134 pounds (almost to my highest weight, it's killing me)
• need abilify and pristiq to be ok
• need nyquil to sleep
• not making bed
• not doing laundry
• not cleaning room
• not doing schoolwork
• skipping classes

wow.  I hope this will mostly or all change in the next 35 days.

[google.com]

input? please?

OK. I have a super hard time deciding what/how/when/where/etc. to eat.  I will list some of the options, the pros and cons I have, and ask: Which would you advise and WHY?  What's your reasoning?  Please.  I really need feedback.
.
.
.
Option 1

• 1 lemon Larabar (220) during the day, no specific time(s) to eat.

 PRO-the food is self-contained, self-limiting, no counting required; also if I'm hungry at any point in the day I can eat, while not "having" to eat at a time I'm not hungry.
CON-I don't particularly care for Larabars; and if I eat the whole thing real early and then get hungry then I might frustrate myself (but that's my own consequence, I guess).

[freshman5k.files.wordpress.com]

Option 2

• 1 meal (100) at noon; 1 meal (100) at 4:30

PRO-I have free choices about what to eat (my cravings will factor into this); and the little boy I watch eats supper at 4:30; and days I don't work, the days I'm in research lab, I still will be done around 4:30; also, I have a break daily ~12PM.
CON-more potential mental stress (because the more often I eat, the more I anxious I am - go figure).

[tcdailyplanet.net]

Option 3

• 1 meal (200) at 4:30 PM

PRO-no thinking involved (one meal is easy to calorie-count); less mental stress (this is true).
CON-I may (and do) get hungry during the day; and it is also easy to overeat (past the 200-mark) when it's been a long day and I'm hungry and I rationalize that it's OK.

[the food network]

Option 4

• 1 bite of food after every cup of coffee (2-5 x 50)

PRO-the coffee fills me and then the bite of food makes me feel like I've eaten, although I know I haven't, so less mental stress about amount of food.
CON-more mental stress about frequency of food; and it's easy to overdo it if I'm not constantly aware of how much I have eaten already; also if for some reason I'm hungrier than usual, the "voices" in my mind (ED, not real voices) will freak out if I eat more than I said I would.

[corporatewellnessinsights.com]

I'm leaning toward option 2, but I still want input.

mad bird

I want to be able to eat.  Like, just - eat.  Not eat-and-throw-it-up, not eat-and-swear-to-fast, not eat-and-panic.  Just eat.

My best friend, who has anorexia/bulimia, is finally getting help. Again, yes.  The past times haven't worked for her.  But I'm so proud she's not saying "fuck it" and not trying again one more time.  When she's this recovery-oriented, she is a motivating factor to me to get my head out of my ass and put it on straight.

[the renfrew center]

I do NOT want to be "that 50-year-old anorexic." I do NOT want to be bulimic into my late adult years.  I just don't want it.  Even if I'm not thin, I want to be able to eat some food; some and not all, some and not none.
.
.
.
It's getting super hard today.  I ate maybe 3 times.  Not full meals.  Just a bite or two bites or a bowl of something.  But already the calories are calculated in my head and I have not only exceeded, but gone double on my O.K. calorie amount.  I am anxious.  I am frustrated.  I want (my natural track) to fuck-it-binge, now-I-gotta-purge, and tomorrow-nothing-I-swear.   That's what I always do.  And not only does it make me CRAZY and unhappy, but I gain weight!  I mean, come on.  It's not like eating and being ok is going to make me fat.  Bulimia's making me fat.  This cannot  go on.
.
.
.
So I had today:
12PM - 1 PB cracker; 2 bites curried lentils; bite of chicken
3PM - many bites of curried lentils; 5 PB crackers
.
.
.
Already my mind is saying "stop! no! you've overdone it!  go back! get it out! you can't do this!".  But seriously?  I'm not Mad Bird for nothing.  One day I want to be Happy Bird or something equally cheesy, but you get the idea.  So, Mind, you can go fuck yourself.  Shut up.  I'm moving forward.

[unknown]

one sick puppy

I was able to obtain ~2 mL ethidium bromide today in research lab.  I poured it into my water bottle.  I am ingesting ~5mL diluted EtBr 2-3 times a day.  I will procure more when my water bottle is empty.  Yes, I am trying to contract cancer.  Yes, I do understand the implications.  And yes, I am insane.  You don't need to tell me what I already know.  I also know that EtBr studies on cancer are very inconclusive, and I probably will emerge unscathed and live to a much undeserved old age.  But I have to try.

[gencompare.com]

[hunter.cuny.edu]

vodka

I've decided that I like vodka very much.  I tried it for the first time last night.  Got in a hell of a lot of trouble for it (explanation in a moment).  But it is very pleasant to feel, easy to drink, beautiful to look at, and it can be disguised as water!  It doesn't even smell like "alcohol" that much.
.
.
.
Last night, at my parents' house, I saw a bottle of vodka on  my dad's dresser.  My parents aren't much for alcohol (not like I am) so I figured it was to make some sort of extract (vanilla, almond, etc.).  My mom was on her bed reading to me about something she found, so not exactly watching me, so I transferred the bottle to the floor (so she wouldn't see), poured some in a cup, and put the bottle back.  What I forgot to do was replace what I took with water.
.
.
.
So, of course, I drink the vodka, get the munchies, feel alright, play video games with my brothers.  Then my dad walks in with the vodka bottle.
.
.
.
Did you drink this?
Yes.  Last night... (of course a lie.)
Did you drive?!?
Nononono!  I never drink and drive! (more lies. yes, I'm that stupid.)
*sigh* You can't do that!  You can't come over to our house, drink, and leave!  This was for a recipe!
I'm sorry.
You can't do that!
OK, I'm sorry.
.
.
.
Then, to avoid more trouble, I leave immediately to the dorm where I crash (after taking a buttload of laxatives, mind you).
.
.
.
I'm so screwed up.  But.  I think I like vodka.

[boozeblogger.com]

so inconsistent. that will change.

RULES FOR FOOD:

1. eating "window" is between 16:30:00 and 17:00:00 each day.
2. calories allowed is exactly 200 calories, excluding coffee and fat-free creamer.

RULES FOR OTHER THINGS:
-(coming soon)

anxious

is it ok to eat 3 small meals? is it ok to maybe eat 4?  is it ok?  should i be doing something different?  it isn't so much the weight-loss/gain/etc. that i'm freaking about.  it never really is.  it's not about the weight.  i know how to lose weight.  what i don't know how to do is to eat and be OKAY with it.  there's always "other" ways and methods to eating and better or worse ways to do it and i'll never know if i'm doing it the right way or the wrong way.  and don't say there's no right or wrong way because there must be if i get this damned anxious about deciding HOW to eat?  WHEN to eat.  WHAT to eat.  aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhggggggggg

[unknown]

missing something

this used to be so entertaining.  what's holding me back from enjoying this?  I think it's anxiety.  I'm anxious if I consume anything.  but I think I have to consume something, to be successful.  maybe I don't.  maybe that's what's holding me back.  that thought that I have to be consuming something, regardless of how little, is causing anxiety, friction in my thoughts. - yes.  i'll eat a bite. -no, you're not supposed to eat anything. -but i have to eat something. -no you don't. -but i can't keep this up forever. -yes you can. -no i can't.
.
.
.
do I give in completely and not fight?  will it be more enjoyable then? or worse?  how can I know for sure?  what do I do?

[unknown]

the habit's returned

my (unplanned) habits.  I don't really dislike them at all.
.
.
.
8:00AM - coffee; 1 bite of food
2:00PM - coffee; 1 bite of food
4:30PM - coffee; 1 bite of food
.
.
.
Yesterday.  My boss. "Darling,  you've put on weight!"  Oh yes she did.

[unknown] but it sums it up perfectly!

new things

1...electric blanket
2...three baby chicks
3...pregnant dingo
4...chloral hydrate syrup
5...almond milk (not new, but I bought some)
6...ethidium bromide (carcinogen)
.
.
.
I do not deserve the stubborn good health I've got.  My sister is dead.  My mother has cancer.  My dad's had three heart-attacks.  And me?  Nothing.  Nothing that's not self-inflicted. What the fuck is wrong with my mind?
.
.
.
But on the brighter side of things: I have a chick named Anastasya!  I like the name Anastasya because it's root-words mean (in my words) "I won't stay this way!"  (literally: not-staying).

day 1

i feel sick.  i shouldn't have had coffee.  i give up on eating.  can't do it.  going to therapy in a few moments.  gonna have to tell her.  she's going to ask: what would happen if you did eat? i'll tell her i can't. she'll say, but what would happen? and i'll have no answer because it's not going to happen.  oh well.  i need help.  but i'm too fat for help.  life can suck sometimes.

even further

Back to the almond-milk-or-nothing plan.  Had the worst anxious day today.  Could barely keep it together during class/research.  From 9:30-3:30 I was a wreck pretending not to be a wreck.  The only way I know to deal with this anxiety over eating is: don't eat.  Okay.  I feel better now.  :)

[unknown]

[unknown]

told you I was inconsistent and indecisive. and Risperdal warning.

I take it back.  My anxious brain can't handle 3 meals.  Or even 2.  I would love to be "in control" of this and eat how I want to eat.  But that isn't a possibility yet.  So back to one meal a day, 1 cup total volume (roughly 200 cals), in the afternoon (after school & before work).  Also, new rule: once I take the first bite of my meal, I have exactly 1 hour to finish it.  NO food after 5:00 & NO food after 1 hour has expired.
.
.
.
On a different note, I tried my oatmeal "recipe" just now.  That's some damn good oatmeal!  I boiled the steel cut oats with a few raw cranberries.  Then I put it in a bowl with: freshly ground peanut butter, honey, flax seeds, and greek yogurt.  Oh. My. God.  I think I had an orgasm.
.
.
.
But I still have all this weight to shed.  From the Risperdal in August.  NEVER let anyone prescribe you Risperdal.  I gained 1 lb a day for 2 weeks until I got my psych to change my meds.  And it's ridiculously harder to lose than weight has ever been for me in the past.  I hate this.

game on

So. This chick who takes courses with me, she and I are good friends and we talked one day about eating disorders.  Turns out she had/has bulimia.  I told her I had/have ED-NOS.  Over the summer she has lost a ton of weight.  Granted she was quite overweight after a surgery for the past 2 years, but that doesn't change that she has an ED brain and losing weight I know is screwing with her.  Hell, she told me so.  Yet she doesn't hide the fact that she's lost so much weight and is still losing.  She talks to me about it, and she knows about my issues!  Um, hello?  Naturally, I take this as a personal challenge.  She's almost my size now.  I can't let that happen.  This is a race and I. Will. Win.
.
.
.
Bring it on, T., bring it on.

[unknown]

rethinking, again

I'm so damned inconsistent and indecisive.
.
.
.

Rather than eat all my calories at one time during the day, thus expanding my stomach and having an expectation for a large meal every day, would it not be better to eat 2 to 4 times, with 1/2-1/4 the amount?  Then having a "shrunken stomach" faster?  Am I making sense?
.
.
.
New Meal Plan (350 calories per day)

• 9:00AM -half-recipe oatmeal (elaborated at bottom) - 100, coffee
• 1:00PM -1 ounce neufchatel (75), 1 slice toasted wholegrain bread (75) - 150
• 5:00PM - 1/3 cup wild rice, curried lentils to make total 1/2 cup, coffee - 100 

• SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY MEAL: 1/2 lemon Larabar - 110
• If satisfied at any point during a meal, drink the coffee, take one more bite, and dump it!

Shopping list for 2 weeks:

• 1+ cups dry red lentils
• 2.5 cups dry wild/forbidden rice
• red curry, hot curry, and yellow curry
• almond milk
• "butter"
• coffee
• fat-free creamer (optional)
• lemon Larabars (optional)
• 14 slices wholegrain bread
• 14 ounces neufchatel
• some steel cut oats
• some unsweet dried cranberries
• some 0% greek yogurt

So.  There's this fabulous blog (no longer updated sadly) that the author posted pictures of her breakfast every day.  And almost every day it was a beautiful-looking oatmeal of some sort or another.  Pics are via google.com.  And it made me want to make oatmeal myself.  So 1/2 of this 185-calorie "recipe" will be my breakfast, so roughly 100 calories.

• 1/3 cup cooked oats (50)
• 1/3 cup 0% greek yogurt (45)
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries (30)
• 1 tablespoon flaxseed (30)
• small bit nut butter (30)

In addition, I planted yesterday a ton of tomatoes, some raspberries, squash, corn, cauliflower, and cantaloupe.  If/when these grow properly, I will incorporate what I get into my meal plan gladly!  There's something about growing your own food that even an eating-disordered girl can appreciate. :)

overshot by a bit

Today:
1 cup rice & lentils - 100
bag of veggies - ?
6 mini protein bars - 300
grazing a bit too much - probably 1000-ish
-------------------------------------
total - 1400++ (ick)

[unknown]

воскресенье

Full day today.  Church #1 at 11.  Pick up my sister at 12:30.  Eat at 1.  Movies at 1:30.  Church #2 at 5.  Possible date after.  I love busy days.
.
.
.
That said, I am starting today well, and intend on finishing well.  My "breakfast" is one spoonful of curried lentils after coffee (with the full stomach and the curry taste, it always makes me feel like I ate an entire meal).  My real meal today will be: curried lentils/rice (big surprise!  you will find this is a reoccurring theme) at 1:00PM.  With my coffee I had 2 diet pills (cheap ones from the grocery, so just a mixture of caffeine and herbs, but whatever), and I will have 2 more after my meal.  Nothing else for the rest of the day.  Off to a good start!

and so it begins

In my experience any time I eat 600 or less calories, I don't sleep much.
.
.
.
Now is no exception.  Wide awake at 4AM.
.
.
.
I should be more productive, if I'm not tired.  But no.  I putter around online and every now and then try to go back to sleep.  Haven't left my bed.  I could be doing homework.  Why am I so lazy?

head back on straight

So this morning the plan was to do only almond milk for a week and reevaluate if I wanted to continue or to water fast.
.
.
.
But then I got my head on straight and realized if I want to do well this semester at school (which it's an amazing semester so far!), and if I don't want to be hospitalized mid-semester (which would suck like none other), I should probably eat more than 100 calories.  200 I decided on, which is the equivalent of 1 cup of my favorite food: curried lentils and wild rice.  Oh I love that stuff.
.
.
.
Today:
1.5 cups curried lentils and rice (300)
6 bites of various foods (200)
----------------------------------------------------
total = ~500

[thecooksnextdoor.com]

truce

Although I dislike myself, I crack myself up.  Wouldn't it be nice to like yourself?  Do some of you?  I wish I did.  It would make this uneasy truce between myself and me much more comfortable.

Man I had some weird, lengthy, vivid dreams last night.  I didn't do or eat or take anything out of the ordinary.  It was weird.  I was a little dehydrated, though.  If that makes a difference?

So. First day of my week on almond milk.  I will reevaluate after one week to see if I want to continue with almond milk or begin a water fast.

[google.com]

first post

Reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.  For the third time.

Actually, I have it on PDF if anyone wants a copy.

Tomorrow's the beginning of my fixing things.  I've been eating and purging since january 7.  I fasted the first week of the year, and will start again tomorrow, but with an exception.  Instead of a true fast, I WILL allow almond milk (unsweet vanilla).  Max 2.5 cups.  Max 100 calories.

Good deal.