one sick puppy

I was able to obtain ~2 mL ethidium bromide today in research lab.  I poured it into my water bottle.  I am ingesting ~5mL diluted EtBr 2-3 times a day.  I will procure more when my water bottle is empty.  Yes, I am trying to contract cancer.  Yes, I do understand the implications.  And yes, I am insane.  You don't need to tell me what I already know.  I also know that EtBr studies on cancer are very inconclusive, and I probably will emerge unscathed and live to a much undeserved old age.  But I have to try.

[gencompare.com]

[hunter.cuny.edu]

vodka

I've decided that I like vodka very much.  I tried it for the first time last night.  Got in a hell of a lot of trouble for it (explanation in a moment).  But it is very pleasant to feel, easy to drink, beautiful to look at, and it can be disguised as water!  It doesn't even smell like "alcohol" that much.
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Last night, at my parents' house, I saw a bottle of vodka on  my dad's dresser.  My parents aren't much for alcohol (not like I am) so I figured it was to make some sort of extract (vanilla, almond, etc.).  My mom was on her bed reading to me about something she found, so not exactly watching me, so I transferred the bottle to the floor (so she wouldn't see), poured some in a cup, and put the bottle back.  What I forgot to do was replace what I took with water.
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So, of course, I drink the vodka, get the munchies, feel alright, play video games with my brothers.  Then my dad walks in with the vodka bottle.
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Did you drink this?
Yes.  Last night... (of course a lie.)
Did you drive?!?
Nononono!  I never drink and drive! (more lies. yes, I'm that stupid.)
*sigh* You can't do that!  You can't come over to our house, drink, and leave!  This was for a recipe!
I'm sorry.
You can't do that!
OK, I'm sorry.
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Then, to avoid more trouble, I leave immediately to the dorm where I crash (after taking a buttload of laxatives, mind you).
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I'm so screwed up.  But.  I think I like vodka.

[boozeblogger.com]

so inconsistent. that will change.

RULES FOR FOOD:

1. eating "window" is between 16:30:00 and 17:00:00 each day.
2. calories allowed is exactly 200 calories, excluding coffee and fat-free creamer.

RULES FOR OTHER THINGS:
-(coming soon)

anxious

is it ok to eat 3 small meals? is it ok to maybe eat 4?  is it ok?  should i be doing something different?  it isn't so much the weight-loss/gain/etc. that i'm freaking about.  it never really is.  it's not about the weight.  i know how to lose weight.  what i don't know how to do is to eat and be OKAY with it.  there's always "other" ways and methods to eating and better or worse ways to do it and i'll never know if i'm doing it the right way or the wrong way.  and don't say there's no right or wrong way because there must be if i get this damned anxious about deciding HOW to eat?  WHEN to eat.  WHAT to eat.  aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhggggggggg

[unknown]

missing something

this used to be so entertaining.  what's holding me back from enjoying this?  I think it's anxiety.  I'm anxious if I consume anything.  but I think I have to consume something, to be successful.  maybe I don't.  maybe that's what's holding me back.  that thought that I have to be consuming something, regardless of how little, is causing anxiety, friction in my thoughts. - yes.  i'll eat a bite. -no, you're not supposed to eat anything. -but i have to eat something. -no you don't. -but i can't keep this up forever. -yes you can. -no i can't.
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do I give in completely and not fight?  will it be more enjoyable then? or worse?  how can I know for sure?  what do I do?

[unknown]

the habit's returned

my (unplanned) habits.  I don't really dislike them at all.
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8:00AM - coffee; 1 bite of food
2:00PM - coffee; 1 bite of food
4:30PM - coffee; 1 bite of food
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Yesterday.  My boss. "Darling,  you've put on weight!"  Oh yes she did.

[unknown] but it sums it up perfectly!

new things

1...electric blanket
2...three baby chicks
3...pregnant dingo
4...chloral hydrate syrup
5...almond milk (not new, but I bought some)
6...ethidium bromide (carcinogen)
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I do not deserve the stubborn good health I've got.  My sister is dead.  My mother has cancer.  My dad's had three heart-attacks.  And me?  Nothing.  Nothing that's not self-inflicted. What the fuck is wrong with my mind?
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But on the brighter side of things: I have a chick named Anastasya!  I like the name Anastasya because it's root-words mean (in my words) "I won't stay this way!"  (literally: not-staying).

day 1

i feel sick.  i shouldn't have had coffee.  i give up on eating.  can't do it.  going to therapy in a few moments.  gonna have to tell her.  she's going to ask: what would happen if you did eat? i'll tell her i can't. she'll say, but what would happen? and i'll have no answer because it's not going to happen.  oh well.  i need help.  but i'm too fat for help.  life can suck sometimes.

even further

Back to the almond-milk-or-nothing plan.  Had the worst anxious day today.  Could barely keep it together during class/research.  From 9:30-3:30 I was a wreck pretending not to be a wreck.  The only way I know to deal with this anxiety over eating is: don't eat.  Okay.  I feel better now.  :)

[unknown]

[unknown]

told you I was inconsistent and indecisive. and Risperdal warning.

I take it back.  My anxious brain can't handle 3 meals.  Or even 2.  I would love to be "in control" of this and eat how I want to eat.  But that isn't a possibility yet.  So back to one meal a day, 1 cup total volume (roughly 200 cals), in the afternoon (after school & before work).  Also, new rule: once I take the first bite of my meal, I have exactly 1 hour to finish it.  NO food after 5:00 & NO food after 1 hour has expired.
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On a different note, I tried my oatmeal "recipe" just now.  That's some damn good oatmeal!  I boiled the steel cut oats with a few raw cranberries.  Then I put it in a bowl with: freshly ground peanut butter, honey, flax seeds, and greek yogurt.  Oh. My. God.  I think I had an orgasm.
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But I still have all this weight to shed.  From the Risperdal in August.  NEVER let anyone prescribe you Risperdal.  I gained 1 lb a day for 2 weeks until I got my psych to change my meds.  And it's ridiculously harder to lose than weight has ever been for me in the past.  I hate this.

game on

So. This chick who takes courses with me, she and I are good friends and we talked one day about eating disorders.  Turns out she had/has bulimia.  I told her I had/have ED-NOS.  Over the summer she has lost a ton of weight.  Granted she was quite overweight after a surgery for the past 2 years, but that doesn't change that she has an ED brain and losing weight I know is screwing with her.  Hell, she told me so.  Yet she doesn't hide the fact that she's lost so much weight and is still losing.  She talks to me about it, and she knows about my issues!  Um, hello?  Naturally, I take this as a personal challenge.  She's almost my size now.  I can't let that happen.  This is a race and I. Will. Win.
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Bring it on, T., bring it on.

[unknown]

rethinking, again

I'm so damned inconsistent and indecisive.
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Rather than eat all my calories at one time during the day, thus expanding my stomach and having an expectation for a large meal every day, would it not be better to eat 2 to 4 times, with 1/2-1/4 the amount?  Then having a "shrunken stomach" faster?  Am I making sense?
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New Meal Plan (350 calories per day)

• 9:00AM -half-recipe oatmeal (elaborated at bottom) - 100, coffee
• 1:00PM -1 ounce neufchatel (75), 1 slice toasted wholegrain bread (75) - 150
• 5:00PM - 1/3 cup wild rice, curried lentils to make total 1/2 cup, coffee - 100 

• SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY MEAL: 1/2 lemon Larabar - 110
• If satisfied at any point during a meal, drink the coffee, take one more bite, and dump it!

Shopping list for 2 weeks:

• 1+ cups dry red lentils
• 2.5 cups dry wild/forbidden rice
• red curry, hot curry, and yellow curry
• almond milk
• "butter"
• coffee
• fat-free creamer (optional)
• lemon Larabars (optional)
• 14 slices wholegrain bread
• 14 ounces neufchatel
• some steel cut oats
• some unsweet dried cranberries
• some 0% greek yogurt

So.  There's this fabulous blog (no longer updated sadly) that the author posted pictures of her breakfast every day.  And almost every day it was a beautiful-looking oatmeal of some sort or another.  Pics are via google.com.  And it made me want to make oatmeal myself.  So 1/2 of this 185-calorie "recipe" will be my breakfast, so roughly 100 calories.

• 1/3 cup cooked oats (50)
• 1/3 cup 0% greek yogurt (45)
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries (30)
• 1 tablespoon flaxseed (30)
• small bit nut butter (30)

In addition, I planted yesterday a ton of tomatoes, some raspberries, squash, corn, cauliflower, and cantaloupe.  If/when these grow properly, I will incorporate what I get into my meal plan gladly!  There's something about growing your own food that even an eating-disordered girl can appreciate. :)

overshot by a bit

Today:
1 cup rice & lentils - 100
bag of veggies - ?
6 mini protein bars - 300
grazing a bit too much - probably 1000-ish
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total - 1400++ (ick)

[unknown]

воскресенье

Full day today.  Church #1 at 11.  Pick up my sister at 12:30.  Eat at 1.  Movies at 1:30.  Church #2 at 5.  Possible date after.  I love busy days.
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That said, I am starting today well, and intend on finishing well.  My "breakfast" is one spoonful of curried lentils after coffee (with the full stomach and the curry taste, it always makes me feel like I ate an entire meal).  My real meal today will be: curried lentils/rice (big surprise!  you will find this is a reoccurring theme) at 1:00PM.  With my coffee I had 2 diet pills (cheap ones from the grocery, so just a mixture of caffeine and herbs, but whatever), and I will have 2 more after my meal.  Nothing else for the rest of the day.  Off to a good start!

and so it begins

In my experience any time I eat 600 or less calories, I don't sleep much.
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Now is no exception.  Wide awake at 4AM.
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I should be more productive, if I'm not tired.  But no.  I putter around online and every now and then try to go back to sleep.  Haven't left my bed.  I could be doing homework.  Why am I so lazy?

head back on straight

So this morning the plan was to do only almond milk for a week and reevaluate if I wanted to continue or to water fast.
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But then I got my head on straight and realized if I want to do well this semester at school (which it's an amazing semester so far!), and if I don't want to be hospitalized mid-semester (which would suck like none other), I should probably eat more than 100 calories.  200 I decided on, which is the equivalent of 1 cup of my favorite food: curried lentils and wild rice.  Oh I love that stuff.
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Today:
1.5 cups curried lentils and rice (300)
6 bites of various foods (200)
----------------------------------------------------
total = ~500

[thecooksnextdoor.com]

truce

Although I dislike myself, I crack myself up.  Wouldn't it be nice to like yourself?  Do some of you?  I wish I did.  It would make this uneasy truce between myself and me much more comfortable.

Man I had some weird, lengthy, vivid dreams last night.  I didn't do or eat or take anything out of the ordinary.  It was weird.  I was a little dehydrated, though.  If that makes a difference?

So. First day of my week on almond milk.  I will reevaluate after one week to see if I want to continue with almond milk or begin a water fast.

[google.com]

first post

Reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.  For the third time.

Actually, I have it on PDF if anyone wants a copy.

Tomorrow's the beginning of my fixing things.  I've been eating and purging since january 7.  I fasted the first week of the year, and will start again tomorrow, but with an exception.  Instead of a true fast, I WILL allow almond milk (unsweet vanilla).  Max 2.5 cups.  Max 100 calories.

Good deal.