mad bird

I want to be able to eat.  Like, just - eat.  Not eat-and-throw-it-up, not eat-and-swear-to-fast, not eat-and-panic.  Just eat.

My best friend, who has anorexia/bulimia, is finally getting help. Again, yes.  The past times haven't worked for her.  But I'm so proud she's not saying "fuck it" and not trying again one more time.  When she's this recovery-oriented, she is a motivating factor to me to get my head out of my ass and put it on straight.

[the renfrew center]

I do NOT want to be "that 50-year-old anorexic." I do NOT want to be bulimic into my late adult years.  I just don't want it.  Even if I'm not thin, I want to be able to eat some food; some and not all, some and not none.
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It's getting super hard today.  I ate maybe 3 times.  Not full meals.  Just a bite or two bites or a bowl of something.  But already the calories are calculated in my head and I have not only exceeded, but gone double on my O.K. calorie amount.  I am anxious.  I am frustrated.  I want (my natural track) to fuck-it-binge, now-I-gotta-purge, and tomorrow-nothing-I-swear.   That's what I always do.  And not only does it make me CRAZY and unhappy, but I gain weight!  I mean, come on.  It's not like eating and being ok is going to make me fat.  Bulimia's making me fat.  This cannot  go on.
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So I had today:
12PM - 1 PB cracker; 2 bites curried lentils; bite of chicken
3PM - many bites of curried lentils; 5 PB crackers
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Already my mind is saying "stop! no! you've overdone it!  go back! get it out! you can't do this!".  But seriously?  I'm not Mad Bird for nothing.  One day I want to be Happy Bird or something equally cheesy, but you get the idea.  So, Mind, you can go fuck yourself.  Shut up.  I'm moving forward.

[unknown]