pissed

I have unbounded anger.  Not towards anyone.  Not about anything that makes sense.  But at myself because I let myself get this way.
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I had control over my weight after many years' battle by last summer.  Then med-changes came up, and I was put on Risperdal.  I went from 113 to 128 in 2 weeks, and even after going off, haven't lost the weight.  Damn fucking Risperdal.  Fucking fuck.
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So yeah.  I'm pissed.

this week

PEG

My best friend and "adopted" big sister, Courtney, has had an NG tube for the past week or so.  Now she's getting a PEG placed today.  I wish so hard I had a PEG; I always have.  Honestly, I'm a little jealous, though I'm SOOOOO glad she's going to be fed now.  But man, I've been wishing for a PEG for... maybe 5 years?  Since my baby sister had one (for cleft palate reasons).  It just would be so easy to be fed without having to fucking eat.

no hands, ma!

It's like learning to ride a bike with no hands!  Learning again to eat-enough-not-too-much-not-too-little.  I had a GREAT day today doing just that.
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Breakfast: curried lentils (this is a big deal because I have weird issues with confusing eating breakfast with ruining my day)
Lunch: almonds
Supper: almonds
Before Bed: (I plan to have, as it is not yet late enough and I'm not hungry yet) 1/4 freebirds burrito.  I fell in love with these when my sister treated me on my birthday.
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I went to a candlelight service last night for the women's ACTS retreat of our diocese.  It was wonderful.  A much-needed breath of fresh air.  So much unbelievable love.  The place was filled with the Holy Spirit.  It was overwhelming in the best way.  Afterward I resolved to start going to mass again with more regularity.  I've been feeling so guilty over my binges/purges and confused about the legitimacy of my fasting and also afraid of accidentally purging the Eucharist, that I just avoided church altogether.  But now that I'm eating well (although I should not be waiting for that as a condition), I realize my need for more of Him.  And I found out (or re-remembered, rather) that there's a daily mass at 5PM at my parish (so no need to wake up ridiculously early), AND it's said, if I remember correctly, by my favorite priest.  He's so wise and his sermons always wake me up and get me thinking and out of my comfort zone.  Oh, I hope I'm right that it's him saying the mass.  I mean, mass is mass, but a good homily can sometimes help a stuck person!
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Lastly, I heard a song today with lyrics that really stuck with me; it's from an old hymn:

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Man, I don't know about you, but that sure rings true to me.  Forfeited peace?  Needless pain? Ouch.

[www.photographytips.com.au]

Testing

Trying out my (secondhand) iPod touch my brother gave me for my bday. I don't care if it's not new, its awesome!
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The pic (if it shows up) is of my dog who's currently in labor!

I've got it!

I believe I've come upon what I should do.  Sort of like the coffee-plan (from my older post), I guess it's closest.  But it's this: eat-as-little-as-possible-while-still-consuming-something.
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I am not a good fast-er.  What happens is if I get past the first day, then I'm on a roll.  That is, until day 6 or 7 rolls around.  By then I've been dreaming vividly of food for the past few nights, and daydreaming during the days.  So I'll break down and eat a tiny bit.  Truly, not a bad amount.  But then, the day after I ate, all hell breaks loose, and I eat, freak, binge, purge, eat.... the infamous Cycle.
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Basically, I'll be eating only when I'm hungry, but that's hard to do in reality since I'm always hungry AND never hungry.  So I'll try my best to judge when to eat.  Maybe 3-4 times a day, 50 calories each?  We'll see. 
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Update: I'm 131.4.  FML.

day 1

I'm quite ashamed to list these things, but I have to for my own records.  This is where I'm at right now:

• 134 pounds (almost to my highest weight, it's killing me)
• need abilify and pristiq to be ok
• need nyquil to sleep
• not making bed
• not doing laundry
• not cleaning room
• not doing schoolwork
• skipping classes

wow.  I hope this will mostly or all change in the next 35 days.

[google.com]

input? please?

OK. I have a super hard time deciding what/how/when/where/etc. to eat.  I will list some of the options, the pros and cons I have, and ask: Which would you advise and WHY?  What's your reasoning?  Please.  I really need feedback.
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Option 1

• 1 lemon Larabar (220) during the day, no specific time(s) to eat.

 PRO-the food is self-contained, self-limiting, no counting required; also if I'm hungry at any point in the day I can eat, while not "having" to eat at a time I'm not hungry.
CON-I don't particularly care for Larabars; and if I eat the whole thing real early and then get hungry then I might frustrate myself (but that's my own consequence, I guess).

[freshman5k.files.wordpress.com]

Option 2

• 1 meal (100) at noon; 1 meal (100) at 4:30

PRO-I have free choices about what to eat (my cravings will factor into this); and the little boy I watch eats supper at 4:30; and days I don't work, the days I'm in research lab, I still will be done around 4:30; also, I have a break daily ~12PM.
CON-more potential mental stress (because the more often I eat, the more I anxious I am - go figure).

[tcdailyplanet.net]

Option 3

• 1 meal (200) at 4:30 PM

PRO-no thinking involved (one meal is easy to calorie-count); less mental stress (this is true).
CON-I may (and do) get hungry during the day; and it is also easy to overeat (past the 200-mark) when it's been a long day and I'm hungry and I rationalize that it's OK.

[the food network]

Option 4

• 1 bite of food after every cup of coffee (2-5 x 50)

PRO-the coffee fills me and then the bite of food makes me feel like I've eaten, although I know I haven't, so less mental stress about amount of food.
CON-more mental stress about frequency of food; and it's easy to overdo it if I'm not constantly aware of how much I have eaten already; also if for some reason I'm hungrier than usual, the "voices" in my mind (ED, not real voices) will freak out if I eat more than I said I would.

[corporatewellnessinsights.com]

I'm leaning toward option 2, but I still want input.

mad bird

I want to be able to eat.  Like, just - eat.  Not eat-and-throw-it-up, not eat-and-swear-to-fast, not eat-and-panic.  Just eat.

My best friend, who has anorexia/bulimia, is finally getting help. Again, yes.  The past times haven't worked for her.  But I'm so proud she's not saying "fuck it" and not trying again one more time.  When she's this recovery-oriented, she is a motivating factor to me to get my head out of my ass and put it on straight.

[the renfrew center]

I do NOT want to be "that 50-year-old anorexic." I do NOT want to be bulimic into my late adult years.  I just don't want it.  Even if I'm not thin, I want to be able to eat some food; some and not all, some and not none.
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It's getting super hard today.  I ate maybe 3 times.  Not full meals.  Just a bite or two bites or a bowl of something.  But already the calories are calculated in my head and I have not only exceeded, but gone double on my O.K. calorie amount.  I am anxious.  I am frustrated.  I want (my natural track) to fuck-it-binge, now-I-gotta-purge, and tomorrow-nothing-I-swear.   That's what I always do.  And not only does it make me CRAZY and unhappy, but I gain weight!  I mean, come on.  It's not like eating and being ok is going to make me fat.  Bulimia's making me fat.  This cannot  go on.
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So I had today:
12PM - 1 PB cracker; 2 bites curried lentils; bite of chicken
3PM - many bites of curried lentils; 5 PB crackers
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Already my mind is saying "stop! no! you've overdone it!  go back! get it out! you can't do this!".  But seriously?  I'm not Mad Bird for nothing.  One day I want to be Happy Bird or something equally cheesy, but you get the idea.  So, Mind, you can go fuck yourself.  Shut up.  I'm moving forward.

[unknown]

one sick puppy

I was able to obtain ~2 mL ethidium bromide today in research lab.  I poured it into my water bottle.  I am ingesting ~5mL diluted EtBr 2-3 times a day.  I will procure more when my water bottle is empty.  Yes, I am trying to contract cancer.  Yes, I do understand the implications.  And yes, I am insane.  You don't need to tell me what I already know.  I also know that EtBr studies on cancer are very inconclusive, and I probably will emerge unscathed and live to a much undeserved old age.  But I have to try.

[gencompare.com]

[hunter.cuny.edu]

vodka

I've decided that I like vodka very much.  I tried it for the first time last night.  Got in a hell of a lot of trouble for it (explanation in a moment).  But it is very pleasant to feel, easy to drink, beautiful to look at, and it can be disguised as water!  It doesn't even smell like "alcohol" that much.
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Last night, at my parents' house, I saw a bottle of vodka on  my dad's dresser.  My parents aren't much for alcohol (not like I am) so I figured it was to make some sort of extract (vanilla, almond, etc.).  My mom was on her bed reading to me about something she found, so not exactly watching me, so I transferred the bottle to the floor (so she wouldn't see), poured some in a cup, and put the bottle back.  What I forgot to do was replace what I took with water.
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So, of course, I drink the vodka, get the munchies, feel alright, play video games with my brothers.  Then my dad walks in with the vodka bottle.
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Did you drink this?
Yes.  Last night... (of course a lie.)
Did you drive?!?
Nononono!  I never drink and drive! (more lies. yes, I'm that stupid.)
*sigh* You can't do that!  You can't come over to our house, drink, and leave!  This was for a recipe!
I'm sorry.
You can't do that!
OK, I'm sorry.
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Then, to avoid more trouble, I leave immediately to the dorm where I crash (after taking a buttload of laxatives, mind you).
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I'm so screwed up.  But.  I think I like vodka.

[boozeblogger.com]